Blast Session II

Okay, so the last itme i put people on blast it was people that have no positve affect on my life... So why give the negative a recongition without recognizing the positive.

First let me take off on Tiffany Danielle Few. This is my best friend. When i tell you that i feel so very blessed to have her apart of my life.... I am truly blessed. She has been a wonderful person. We have been friends since the 7th grade. I remember like it was yesterday. I mean we hung tough in our middle school Fairport days. As we got older and went to different high schools we took two totally different paths. I am not going to go into too many details but she is great. She listens, she gives me good advice and she tells me like it is ( even when i am just not tryna hear it). I know she has to be sick and tired of all of my relationship drama. I know she worries about me a lot because she tells me all the time. Can i be honest..... she is more of everything than any of my sisters could have and will ever be. This young lady is a prime example of loyalty, friendship, dedication, love, honesty and respect. When someone ask about my frineds I always say that i have one true friend..one best friend.....Tiffany. Through it all she has always been there she has never left my side.

Kierra.... Kierra is my ex Storm's cousin.......as much as me and her cousin have been through and you know how the family gets they usually fall out with the girlfriends. But no not her......she cool. What do i always tell her that she my bitch. She even tells me sometimes what i need to hear but i dnt be tryna hear it either though. I call her alot of times when i am upset, and we kicks it hard too.
Okay, here is another blast to Dj Durl. I consider him to be a good friend why when we dont really talk that much at all. matter fact he usually only text me because he said thats the only way we can have a prolonged conversation. I consider him to be a friend because he forgave me. I admire him for that and i dont think he knows how much of an influence he has on my life now. I dont think he will ever know. He is really a genuine person.....and like my friend lance is also is a good catch..too bad i didnt have the sense god gave me to keep him....but i have already blogged about that so time to move on.... And u know what else i told him that i was thinkin about moving to the co and he said that i would always have a place to stay. I dont know if he really meant that or not but the thought was nice if anything.


I konw this is going to sound strange a positive blast to all the negative people I named before. How? because the negative impact that they have had on my life has made me want to change all that into positive. They are my motivation to want to do better, even though i am my own motivation. When I dont feel like doing some thing positive I think about them and it gives me even more will power and determination to do better......... I never thought I would say this but I LOVE MY HATERS.

Finally, Erin Michelle Gist.
I have to put myself on blast. Thank you so much for finally standing up for me. About time you have started to take pride and stand up for what you believe. I am putiing you on blast because you have had to make some real hard decisions lately, and I am so proud that you have not given up on me. I am so glad that you have been able to make some conscious decisions and that you are starting to shape and plan for our future. You are now starting to make positive changes because girl......before you were your own down fall. You didnt believe in yourself enough and now i see your confidence and self esteem on the rise. You are beginnig to act and think of a woman with diginity and self worth. You are starting to make more wiser decisions and not just decisions for the moment being. You still need to work on your anger and your temper but i commend you for acknowledging that there is a problem there and you are taking steps to try and solve that. So, I put you on blast for this reason and reason only you are FINALLY figuring out who you are and not what others think you are or what they want you to be.

havent wriiten in awhile....changes

i havent written a blog in awhile so i just got off of work from 3rd and i still cant sleep after being up all night.
So here goes........ i have finally taken the last step i needed to let go of the thing that has been causing me so much hurt. I am not going to lie but be honest. I think letting go caused more hurt than the actual part of being there. But staying there only made me realize that i couldnt love through my hurt. So now i know that the hurt i feel now will eventually make me stronger as an individual. I see things for what they really are now. Letting go has taught me another very valuable lesson......FORGIVENESS. I have learned that not forgiving someone completely is only going to cause damage to YOU later on down the line...not the person that needs to be forgiven. I guess Madea was right when she said forgiveness is not for them but for you. I thought forgiving someone was saying i forgive you but still holding on to what the issue was at hand. You can never get pass anything if you dont just let it go...because eventually its going to be kept bottled up inside and come up in future arguments or disputes. I just hope in so many ways people can actually forgive me the way i am learning to forgive others. Holding something against someone is not healthy it only causes you worry and stress.... and stress is never good.........well i dont think.
How am i feeling? I am feeling very refreshed right now. I finally feel like my life is actually making changes. For so long I have been wanting to do a lot of things but i have always contradicted myself and my actions. Now, I am starting to take action and it feels real good. Not all of the decisions that i have made been easy and some of them I still question but as of now I just have to have faith. I am going to have faith that i will not let myslef down. I have depended on so many people in a lot of ways only finding disappointed. So now not saying that i do not have a few good friends to depend on.....but now i only put faith in myslef and God.... everybody else has to fall back for a moment.......sorry.

those that are not positive in my life.

I was talking to durl today and I was talking about all the changes I have made and the ones I am still trying to work on. I asked him what type of person am I. He said that he hasn't been around me so he can't really speak on it..... thanks for nothing durl....lol..... but no on a serious note I asked him because I know he will tell me the truth....tell me exactly what he thinks and feels. I know how I am now and I know I am not how I want to be. There were bits and pieces of me that I want to keep and go back to and there are those that I want to rid myself of. I know now I am very hot headed and very tempermental and I hate the fact that I am. I try to control my anger and I do until a certain point.....then im there and beyond. I get so frustrated because I want to know where this anger comes from. I get real frustrated at times because I hate that I allow myself but worse..others get me to that point....

Now, that is why I am reevaluating the company I keep. I am trying to rid my life of all the negative people that are apart of my life but add only stress and no happiness.

BLAST TIME!!!!

First person to go.... Storm Smith. For the past two years we have been in a very chaotic relationship. We have been through so much and we are both to blame. There came a point where I compromised everything I felt that was essential in a relationship just so he'd stay. Flat out....what the fuck was I thinking. Compromise is ok when its being met half way. When I found that I was the only one compromising thinking I was being a good woman...shit!!!! I was being a damn fool. Now I am being a strong woman and letting go. I don't want to sound like a hyprocrite and talking all this shit and then I am back with him. Don't get me wrong my intentions are to walk away and so far I am being sucessful. The only way I can go back is if everything was how I felt it should be. Being with him I became very insecure about myself because he wanted to cheat. With truth be told I think after he got me and how everyone thought I was bad it boosted his ego a little and he got the big head. But anyways I realized its not me or him its the both of us. We value relationships way too different..... but hey what can I say the next girl that comes across him will need to come shake my hand because I taught him everything he knows....so as a woman and a lover I am always gonna be better and that's what I had to realize.
Who's next.... I hate to say it but Koran. My 16 year old sister. I know that sounds bad but for real I can't trust her. She is too grown for her age and off the hook.... 4real. I tried so many times to be a big sister to her...let her wear my clothes, look out for her, and she literally dogs me behind my back...Oh, and try to have sex with my ex...I know right? So before I catch a case and be in the arrested paper....I will just stay away.
Third to go Towna ....the sister under me who is 22. I can't really put her on blast like I want to but she did some real foul shit to someone she was suppose to be loyal to. She tries to play the innocent role and I dnt dig that at all. She portrays herself to be so loyal and truthworthy and she not. Then to make matters worst she is always in this person face....well she was before she went back to cali. After that I lost all respect for her. If you knew what I knew you would def..understand.
Next in line victoria... the woman that gave me life. For so long I have tried to reach out to her. The only time she is of any type of mother is when she wants something. She is always asking for something, but when things hit the fan she always turns on me. So, im cool on her too.
Last the little people that aren't that much of a significance in my life that I tolerate but don't have to. All the niggas that try to holla they is really wasting my time and theirs. The females that don't like me just because I am me. To the individuals that cause confusion and chaos in my life I want to say your time is up . Being angry like I have been, I have allowed you to control my life. Its cool,because I am gaining control back.

It is 8:10 am and I have finally made it home. I am always tired at work but then aas soon as I get off I get a boost of energy from somewhere. So I decided to take a hot bubble bath to relax me before I go to sleep. Then I thought of rev run when he use to always end his show in the bathtub with words of wisdom. Well I have words of wisdom for myself. While I was at work I was listening to keisha cole 1st album tryna stay awake. The more focused I was on each song and what she was singing about I could relate to just about all of them. Then right there it hit me. You cannot keep holding on to something that does not want to be held on to. Also stop trying to figure out what it is you can change or do better when you have done all you can. Writing blogs is for me to help myself say what I need to hear to myself instead of what I want to hear.
I have realized that the man I have been chasing has just been a chase. At work today I was thinking real hard and analyzing my faults and his. Regardless of whose fault it is or was still leaves no excuse to tolerate the foolishness I have. Not saying that I am perfect....but I see that I found myself compromising me and what I believe a lot of times. I realized that I have been holding on and pondering on the "what if" factor when simply as ms. Keisha cole herself said I should ve let go. When I look at every aspect of our relationship there was lack of communication, trust, and compromise. I will blog about this particular relationship in detail later but I just wanted to share my lesson that I learned today.

everything....starting from the beginning

So in the beginning it was me age 3, my sister satoria age 4 and my sister towna age 1. My mother abandoned us so we were split up.... I was taken to my dad because I was the only one who's father signed te birth certificate. The other two were sent with my mother's mom....my memaw. My dad at the time was staying with his mom....my granny. Five days later or so....he left me there. My granny always told me the story of how she came home and there I was sitting on her couch dirty, with my hair all over my head, with this raggedy dress on .she said she took me and gave me a bath, and went and bought me some clothes. She said I couldn't wear shoes for a week because I had blisters on the bottom of my feet. Since that day I lived with her. Growing up with my granny was nice. She was strict....I was one of those kids that had to be in the house when it started to get dark. I dressed okay...I was always clean. My mother and father were in and out of mylife a lot when I was younger. Even though they would always get my hopes up and let me down I still believed in them. I guess that is what young children do. I remember writing my dad letters when he was in jail.receiving bday cards from him. I remember visiting my mom in rehab and she would always say that it was her last time...but it never was. I remember this one time me and my sister got into and my mom like really beat me up. I remember my granny being so mad and she took pictures of my face because I was all bruised up and I had a black eye. That day my granny kept me from my mom. So on Christmas I would always go spend christmas with my memaw and my two sisters. I wanted to be close to my sisters but they use to always take up for each other...I guess maybe because they were raised together. I was the one always making good grades and doing good in school and I think they were a little jealous of how everyone use to always be proud of me. I remember thinking my memaw loved them more than she loved me because she was always buying them things. Dnt get me wrong in the summer we use to go to the family reunion's and have a blast. We use to have a lot of fun together when we were kids. By this time there were nine of us. My mom gave a set of twins up for adoption and a younger sister....which I will blog about later. Confusing to me why she would have nine children and not take care of them. There would be one point in time where they would live with her for a short period of time...but no not me....my granny was not having that. So I always felt left out. I loved my granny to death but I just wanted that love I guess. I remember another time my granny allowed me to go spend the night over my moms...under one condition she would not leave. 3' o'clock that same night me and my sister ended up arguing over a fan (I was like 10 then). My sister called my granny and she came and got me...my mother was nowhere to be found. On my way driving to my grannys my granny stopped at a corner and there was my mother....on a hoe stroll. I went home and I cried and I cried. I remember asking myself why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this. I guess that's where it all started.... the crying. Everytime I would get mad or upset I would go in my room and cry. Then I started to write a lot. My granny she tried her best but she had hwer moments. She use to tell me that I was gonna end up like my mother...not all the time though. She use to tell me that I wasn't pretty and I look just like my mom. Somewhere down the line idk me and my dad's relationship went sour. I think he was jealous and hated the fact that my granny would always take my defense. For a while he hated me.
I lost my virginity when I was 14 about to be 15...my freshman year to a boy named travis. Me and travis ended up being together for 4 years.... during those four years so much happened he cheated on me, had a baby on me,evwrything. I am being honest right? I cheated on him to..I was young and I misplaced sex for love or wanting to be love. See I can admit that now because I am grown and mature enough to say that without caring about anyone judging me. I wasn't a hoe I wasn't gettn trains ran on me or no shit like that. But can I be honest...I was promisquous...lol however you spell it. At one point in time I think I was scared of telling someone no. My numbers aren't that high but looking back I would have done some things different. I have always been in relationships, and I have had relationships inside relationships. I had a void that I was trying to fill and I was going about it the wrong way. There are a lot of details I am leaving out because I am going to write them their own blogs. But for the most part while I was in high school I started being rebellious. My granny was strict and I thought I had found the love of my life...travis. So I started skipping school to be with him. I ended up having to go to night school mon through thurs. Just to graduate on time.stupid to be so smart..because I was smart. I just wasn't focused on what I should have been. Me and my granny ended up falling out over travis so I moved in with him and his mom. What was I thinking. I got a settlement back form when I got hit by a car when I was 16, so I used that money to go to central state. When I left to go to central I became cool on travis. I was at central boppin a little.new atmosphere..new things. I went home for break and another relationship... with anthony. I got back to school and wanted to be with him so I came home one weekend and never went back. I started living with anthony and his mom...things were good for a while then everything went downhill form there. he started to hang around a different crowd and he changed for the worst. He cheated...but again I did to at first but then after 6months I realized it was no point so I started being faitful. And I stayed faithful, but he wasn't. We did the back and forth thing like me a travis. We started getting pyhisical call everything. I wasn't doing anything with my life so I decided to up and leave and go to the military.....and this is where I am going to stop and pick up on later.

why I decided the blog thing

I am trying to figure my life out and figure me out. So I am using blogs to free my mind, emotions, and feelings. Right now I feel like ths is all I have. this way I can be honest and not hold anything back. I know my blog will always be here to listen and to understand. The blogs are to help me find me and for others to know me and go through the journey with me. This is me being honest.

I had a good man....

I am so tired and feeling so alone. I feel like I have no one in my corner. I try not to be so distant from others but now I can start yo understand why my friend from columbus is the way he is. He had a few friends that he was real close to then he cut them off because they were not positive in his life. At one point in time he did me the same. Now that I think about how I treated him I am grateful that he managed to forgive me or at least deal with me. I know I am about to put him on blast but I am sorry I have to for my own piece of mind.
Dj durl.... thank you. For those that do not understand let me fill you in. Me and dj worked together and we became very close.....I love you close. Then I met someone and basically told dj I was cool. Dj had done nothing wrong to me... actually he is what you want in a grown man one that you want a relationship with. I know I hurt him real bad but I let my own actions and feelings ignore his feelings and emotions. Now two years and couple of months later me and dj have reconciled as friends and I have gone through hell and back with the other person. I am going to be honest because when you blog that is what you are suppose to do..... I find myself missing darrell..... wishing the other guy was more like him. I am not even gonna say that's wierd because why wouldn't I want a good man. But like always we think the grass is greener on the other side until we are there and realize there is no grass but nothing but weeds. Its always a shame to have to admit that you were shallow and at one point selfish. But that is what I was. Its good to still be friends with dj because sometimes he is good for the soul. He blogs a lot and I enjoy reading them because in a lot of ways I can relate.
To dj.... when u read this I didn't mean to put you on blast but I had to put myself on blast because I really did you wrong and I regret the way that I handled that whole situation. Back then I was happy and now I am miserable. I just wanted to apologize to you in public because u damn sure deserve it.

my reason

I just thought I would start a blog because sometimes I have so much to say but no one to talk to. When I was younger I use to always write. I think it was a way to express my feelings and emotions. It is very refreshing to me so I figured why not share me and my thoughts with the rest of the world. So my blogs are for people that know me, don't know, people who understand or don't understand.